ONCE UPON A TIME I wrote jokingly that I’d have trouble with the Sermon on the Mount if Jesus had the squeaky voice of Deputy Barney Fife from the “The Andy Griffith Show.”
Then an old friend of mine said Barney’s take on the Jesus line “Go and sin no more” might work just fine:
“Nip it. Nip it in the bud.”
Mayberry’s Bible values
Hits and near misses
That got me wondering how Barney might react to some of the other teachings in the Bible…or how he might paraphrase them…or what his comeback might be.
So I put him side-by-side with a few Bible verses, just to see what kind of theologian he might make.
I don’t think I’d hire him to evaluate the theology of The Casual English Bible® (TCEB). But I find him wonderfully engaging, and sometimes dead-on.
Principalities in the Twilight Zone
Paul: “We’re not fighting flesh-and-blood humans. We’re fighting otherworldly beings. These are spiritual forces: leaders, authorities, and rulers of spiritual darkness and evil in the heavenly dimension” (Ephesians 6:12, TCEB).
Barney: All I’m saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn’t be tampered with. We don’t know everything, Andy. There’s plenty going on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don’t know anything about and I think we ought to stay clear.
An ancient proverb: “Point your kids in the right direction. Then as adults, they’ll find the right trail” (Proverbs 22:6).
Barney: Well, today’s eight-year-olds are tomorrow’s teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters going wrong, you’ve got to nip it in the bud.
Jesus to disciples: “Does what I said offend you?” (John 6:61).
Barney: If there’s anything that upsets me, it’s having people say I’m sensitive.
Jesus in plain Aramaic
Disciples to Jesus: “Wow, that’s putting it in plain words, finally” (John 16:29).
Barney: I’ll say it right to your face, Otis, you’ve got a pickled liver!
Writer of 1-2 Kings: “Jehoiachin, former king of Judah, served 37 years in a Babylonian prison” (2 Kings 25:27).
Barney: Boys, when that steel door slams shut, that’s the end of the happy days. No more fishin’, no more ball playin’, no more peanut butter sandwiches.
King of Moab to a seer named Balaam: “Please come down and put a hex on these people. They’re too strong for me” (Numbers 22:6).
Barney: “Fly away buzzard, fly away crow, way down south where the winds don’t blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx.”
Fatal phonetics
Jephthah, a hero of the Jews: “They said, ‘Say the word Shibboleth. People from Ephraim pronounced the word ‘Sibboleth.’ …When they mispronounced the word, Gilead troops killed them on the spot” (Judges 12:6).
Barney: [wearing a motorcycle helmet, leather jacket] If you ride with your mouth open in the wind and put your tongue against the roof of your mouth, it’s impossible to pronounce a word that begins with the letter ‘s.’
Jesus: “If people ask you for something, give it to them” (Matthew 5:42).
Barney: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Can you let me have $5?
Senior discount
God: “Honor the older generation. Stand up out of respect when they come to you” (Leviticus 19:32).
Barney: Oh boy, you’re just full of fun today, aren’t ya? Why don’t we go up to the old people’s home and wax the steps?
Paul: “We don’t all have the gift of healing the sick, do we?” (1 Corinthians 12:30).
Barney: “Why don’t we go up to the hospital some night and take the bolts off the wheelchairs…that’d be real funny, too.”
Paul: Whatever you do, put your whole heart into it” (Colossians 3:23).
Barney: “I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.”
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